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(TRIGGER WARNING:

Abuse/ Sexual Violence)

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 I was 12 years old, the first time I distinctly remember someone showing sexual interest in me. A neighborhood kid (about 4 years older than me) looked at me in a crazed and deranged way, telling me he wanted to “break me in half”. My best friend reiterated to me, “that means he wants to have sex with you”. "That means he likes you".

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Many of my sexual experiences have been met with violence, threats, and abuse - a wound that is very difficult to heal. From an early age, I learned that people wanted to love me and hurt me and go right back to loving me. 

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A lot transpired over the months that lead up to the creation of Break You In Half. After battles with mental health and upon leaving a detox program for alcohol abuse – I decided to write a letter to my rapist. The events that I described took place between he and I when I was 16 years old, and he was 24. To summarize, I let this man know that he raped me before I ever had a chance to fall in love. I believe this to have been one of the many abusive situations that left me with a negative image of myself.

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I came to two realizations regarding my creativity:

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- It had been 13 years since I bought myself drawing supplies. I was not valuing myself, or my artwork enough to put money into something I loved – to achieve something better.

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- I had not drawn noticeably male figures in my work, since the last time I was severely abused by a man (7 years ago)

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Although this work may read as a piece about toxic masculinity, it means much more to me than that. It is about breaking free – the phoenix rising from the ashes, so to speak. The idea of contrived masculinity may be a factor as to why some men hold onto anger. The lack of control in their own lives, leads them to taking control of someone they perceive as being weaker. The truth is that survivors of abuse are some of the strongest people. 

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